Sunday, September 23, 2012

Letting Go

 I leaned against the door frame of my old bedroom and brushed a damp strand of hair off my forehead. Memories came flooding over me, countless in number, and flashing by almost like one's life might flash before one's eyes. So many happy, childish moments - playing with stuffed animals and dolls, twirling in skirts, and jumping on the bed (even though we knew we weren't supposed to). The short time when all four of us children shared the room, David in the crib by the closet, Joel on the twin bed in the corner, Sarah and I sharing the double bed. Complaining about going to bed while it was still light out on all those summer nights. And with the memories comes a nearly overwhelming feeling of wistful longing.

We left that little house 10 years ago for one nearly twice its size, but my parents still owned it, and rented it out for those 10 years. Somewhere around the age of 13 or 14, I incorporated it into my "future life" plan: when I got married at 18, my husband and I would buy Lynnwood from my parents, and my children would get to live in the same house where I lived my 4th-10th birthdays. They would sleep in my old bedroom, and play in the same backyard while I would watch from the kitchen window, just like Mom always did.


Well, my 18th birthday passed without a hint of a suitor, and now I'm 21, still with no prospects in sight. "My" house is for sale. We've spent the past two months working on it, replacing, repairing, updating, and cleaning. The whole process of seeing the poor little house go from its previous dilapidated condition to the squeaky clean, fresh and pretty condition that it's now in has been somewhat depressing for me, as I kept trying to squelch the wish that it was being prepared for me and my mister instead of some strangers. 

I know it's pretty silly to be so saddened over a house, because it is, after all, only a building, but as a physical representation of the end of my youthful dreams, God has used it to raise some important questions. I wanted to get married at a young age, to a godly man, and raise my 13 (yes, 13) children to His glory. What fault could He find with that? Yet here I am, the husband is about 3 years "late," and I'm two children "short" of schedule. Why?

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.
-Isaiah 55:8-9

Do I trust Him with my future? Will I joyfully accept His will for my life even if it doesn't include the husband and children that I've always desired? Am I content in His love? I want my answer to be a confident, decisive and enthusiastic "YES!" every day of my life, my deepest desire only to bring Him glory through my life. I can feel a fist inside my heart, clinging stubbornly to my own dreams, but I must surrender them to Him. His ways are so much higher than mine that I can't understand, I can only trust Him. Why would I hesitate? He created me, and loves me so much that He died to save me. He is truly all I need. So I close my eyes, take a deep breath - and let go.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord
plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
-Jeremiah 29:11 

9 comments:

  1. Reading this post made me think of a pretty similar situation I faced three years ago. We had been living in our house for 7 years, when my dad lost his job and we had to move out of state when he found a new one. I had lived there so long, and as I walked through the rooms I tried not to cry. It really is amazing how powerful and vivid memories can be! But I completely understand how you feel about getting married at a certain age and living in a certain place. I always used to think I would be engaged at 17 and married at 18 and here I am 17 and there is no one around. :) God has His ways, and whenever I surrender my life to Him I feel so consoled about whatever the future may bring me. Thank you for posting this and making me realize I'm not the only one!

    God bless,
    Miss Elizabeth

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  2. It really amazing how attached one can get to house, but when you spend so many years in a building, it really can become special.
    I'm glad to know I'm not the only one also! It is very comforting simply to trust Him. Praise God, He is always faithful, and He is in control of everything.
    Thanks for your comment!
    In Christ,
    Lizzie

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  3. Why don't you get a job and buy the house yourself? It's your life - take charge of it.

    Rosie

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  4. Thanks for the encouragement, Rosie! I do have a job, but unfortunately, I can't afford the house, and I have no need of it. =) I am at peace with the situation now.
    Lizzie

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  5. Lizzie, I know it is difficult when hopes and dreams are not realized on our timeline, but what faith we must put in God in those circumstances! It is a blessing and a true time to be able to learn to lean fully on God. I read that you live in NC- what part?! I am just outside of Charlotte. It is a great state to live in!

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  6. Thank you, Stephie, it is truly a blessing! I feel so peaceful and joyful since I gave it to God. He has given me contentment. =)
    I live near Raleigh, born and raised in this area. It is a wonderful state!

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  7. Isn't it hard when you must come to the realization that God is the one in charge and it's not really about having our dreams fulfilled but about glorifying Him?

    I have walked the road of burying dreams and it is often difficult and always glorious. For in the death of one dream comes the birth of something new.

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  8. Yes, it is... but then I wonder why! It's really so freeing and comforting that He's in charge, and it's so much simpler to know that He can use me to glorify Him through any situation and circumstance.

    Very true. Thanks for the encouragement!

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  9. Nice posts here :) and yeah when we involved God in every circumstance I believe God is working for good. Keep glorify Him through your life and stay close to God that as His kindness will lead us into His beautiful plans.

    Blessing!

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