Monday, May 20, 2013

Rainy Day Musing

I love rainy days like this - calm, gentle showers lulling me into a dreamy mood. I've always had such a fanciful imagination and a tendency to romantic knight-in-shining-armor sorts of fantasies. As long as I can remember.

Looking back, I suppose it's a little strange that at 8 or 9 years old I had already determined a pool of eligible suitors, and was confidently waiting for declarations of love at every turn. I made no attempt to quell my over-active imagination. My prayers were usually sparked by the notion of asking God to start my little life plan in motion and send a future husband my way soon. Out of a sense of guilt, I would usually pray for other things more logical (like the salvation of lost family members) or practical (like the healing of some minor sickness) and sometimes for childish things like toys (I wasn't completely crazy.)

Fast forward a few years, and I'm still determinedly waiting for a man. The previous suitor pool having all vanished from my life, I have a new list of options. I'm a little wiser, realizing that marriage is a big step, and I probably won't be ready for a while. But I still have a vivid imagination, and I'm even more of a hopeless romantic, so I keep my eye on my personal favorite of the selections I've picked, and hope God will eventually agree. I know I'm supposed to love Him first, and wait patiently for His will in my life, but I'm really only faking it, indulging in daydreams about the boy I chose and giving him primary importance over my King.

Finally, after too many years were spent infatuated with my "last hope" of options, I realized he wasn't the Prince Charming I had imagined. I allowed myself to realize what I had done in emotionally attaching myself to these guys, most of whose personal characters were almost completely imaginary, and neglecting the relationship that I had with my Savior. My heart felt like shreds, my silly dreams were in tatters, and the boys that I had foolishly idolized seemed like ghosts haunting my mind.

I had been a Christian for most of my life, but for so many years I really only thought of Jesus as my ticket to heaven, and God as my personal assistant. It sounds so awful to say that, but sadly, that was my subconscious thinking, as my behavior showed. Sure, I would say I loved Jesus. After all, I knew He loved me, and He saved me from hell, so I was very grateful. Someday, I knew I would go to heaven and meet Him, but I was content for him to be distant until then. It disturbed me a little when people would talk about Jesus being the "bridegroom" and their First Love, etc. I didn't want to think of Him like that; I wanted a "real" groom! That was my biggest desire, but I was looking in the wrong place for my fulfillment.

After many years of stubbornly pursuing my own dreams and focusing on what I wanted for my life, I finally came to the place where I was ready to let go of my desire to be married. I used to think that if I let the burning wish to be married fade from my heart God would gleefully give me a life of single celibacy, and so I held on with all my might. I don't know God's will, but I'm finally ready to trust Him. With every day, I grow to trust Him more. I want to focus on His plan, fulfilling His will, bringing Him glory with every day of my life. I'm safe in His hands.

 It's been raining off and on all day here. A sweet rain, with cheery light coming in the windows, even though it's raining. Just a gentle spring shower, the sky barely gray and all the plants bright green, delightedly soaking up the wonderful moisture. 

"Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord;
    his going out is sure as the dawn;
he will come to us as the showers,
    as the spring rains that water the earth."
-Hosea 6:3

Like the spring rain that gives life-sustaining water to the plants, the Lord refreshes and renews my spirit. Just like flowers thirstily soak up water, I must eagerly seek to know my Savior. He assures me it will not be in vain.

The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
    to the soul who seeks him.
-Lamentations 3:25

1 comment:

  1. What a moving post! I really liked the way you phrased part of it: "I really only thought of Jesus as my ticket to heaven." I fall into that trap myself, over and over -- it's a constant struggle to seek Him first!