Monday, July 29, 2013

Confessions of a Headstrong Dreamer

 When I started this blog 3 years ago, I was determined about my future life plan. My blog title says "hopeful" but I was really more "willful." Since then, I've come to realize two important things, the first (and most obvious) of which is that I actually am already "homemaking." Secondly, that it may not be God's plan for me to ever be a wife and mother - and I'm finally content with that.

It's been said over and over again in various ways, but it's one of those things that simply has to click in your own head (and I have a thick head, so it took a while): Marriage won't magically fix anything. When I'm working around the house here, for my parents and siblings, it's tempting to think that the chores would be more rewarding, that I would feel more successful, and that nothing would ever be able to touch my blissful felicity, if only I were doing those things for MY house, MY OWN family. 

I do find the work rewarding most of the time, even though it is hard (and I imagine it would be much harder on my own than I can fathom) and am usually content. But if something frustrates me, I sometimes think things like, "this wouldn't happen if *I* were in charge of everything!" or "if I ever get married, my family will do such-and-such the way *I* want to do it." That's not necessarily true, though, and thinking like that doesn't help my attitude in the moment. I need to make the most of these opportunities to grow so that if I do get married someday, I will be a more graceful, patient and gentle woman for my family. 

As for my obsession with getting married, I think I might have tried every clich√© tactic in the "Christian girl" playbook: 
  • Love-God-To-Get-Husband
  • Pray-in-Faith-and-Jesus-Name
  • Wait-Patiently
  • Be-the-Woman-You're-Meant-to-Be (probably NEVER going to happen) 
  • Stubbornly-Cling-to-Desires-Until-God-Relents. (my personal most often used) 
What? That last one isn't in the Christian girl rulebook? It's definitely the worst, because I realized (to my extreme shame and horror) that I was trying to manipulate the Creator of the World, my heavenly Father, my Savior and King (Who owes me NOTHING) into giving me my childish, worldly desires. What petty, silly wickedness! But one thing I realized all of those tactics have in common is an ulterior motive.

If you truly love God, certainly praying about a husband is a good thing, but not as a magic "letter-to-Santa" type prayer. If you really trust Him, there really is no "waiting" - only living the life He has given! I should ALWAYS be growing into the woman He means me to be, for His glory and as a child of the King. I certainly won't be stubbornly holding onto what I want. Instead, I will be embracing the peace and contentment that He gives in every situation to the child who trusts Him.

 
In light of all that, I've been contemplating a name change for my blog. I doubt I will change the web address, as I'm pretty technologically impaired and I'm not sure it's even possible to keep all my old posts and transfer them to a new blog (which is what I'd want to do) so my folly will probably live on in the URL, but if I can think of something good, I might have a new title soon. ("Elizabeth" means "consecrated to God" so I'm thinking of a play on that somehow...) Feel free to leave suggestions in the comments! I want to display my identity, not as who I am or who I want to be on worldly terms, but simply as who I truly am: A Child of God.

4 comments:

  1. 1. Good for you! Godliness with contentment is great gain. Trust me, marriage doesn't suddenly make life perfect -- marriage is fun and wonderful, but can also be work. And yeah... I had so many things that I said, "I'll do it THIS way when I've got my own home!" And now I do them the way my mom did because, hey, it works better than my idea! Hee.

    2. It's not hard to change your blog address, but then you'd have to notify people that you did so they can change bookmarks and whatever. If you do want to change it, go to the "Settings" page and click on "basic" -- you'll see a thing that says "Blog Address," and you can click on "edit" there to change it. I've never done it, but I'm guessing it's not tough.

    3. Thoughts for a title: A Consecrated Life, Consecrated Living,

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    1. Exactly. And being a part of my family is sometimes a lot of work, but it's also great! I think it's probably a "grass-is-greener" sort of thing. ;) I'll probably end up doing a lot of things like my mom does, too, if I get the chance.

      Oh, thanks for letting me know! It might be more confusing to others than it would be worth, but I'm glad to know it's that simple.

      I like those suggestions!

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  2. I am with you my friend :)
    Family chores consuming so much of energies but YES also great.
    Sometimes...I'm scared of getting married too, I am kinda person who easily worried something that yet to come. But God knows the best when and who.
    Have you ever hear about when God writes your love story by Eric and Leslie. It's beautiful book and blessing, I am about to finish read about that.

    Anyway, thank you so much for being friend here Liz, I have passed the exam really well.
    Hope to talk with you soon.

    Blessing,
    Delvalina

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    1. I know exactly what you mean! I am the kind of person who easily concerns myself with the future, and that's God's business! =)
      "When God Writes Your Love Story" is such a good book! I have read it, but it's been a few years, I should read it again! Thank you for reminding me.

      I'm so glad to hear you passed your exam very well! That's so exciting! Thank you for being my friend, too, I'm glad God let us meet through the blog world! =)

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